Papa

by Le Mai Nguyen-Weakley

When I first saw Leona, the first thing I said is that she looked like you. I was so happy about that, it was like I knew you’re always here in my heart.

As I’m looking through all the pictures you saved and reading all the letters about you as well as things you’ve written yourself I’m reminded of the loving and devoted person you have always been. KK wrote a letter to you and it pretty much captures you perfectly. That’s exactly who you are and you always stayed true to it.

You taught me so much about generosity, about not wanting too much, about putting children, the elderly, and the vulnerable first. You also taught me about the realities of the world we live in and what it means to be a part of the world we live in - lessons that some parents might be scared to talk to their children about, you put them so simply.

You lived such a storied life. You saw things so many will never see. You were true to yourself and always put family first. You always had a quiet and deep appreciation for everything. You rarely were selfish and when you were it’s because you worked so hard and you experienced so many things.

I remember when I was a kid in the 1990s, how you traveled to Sierra Leone, Rwanda and the DRC was temporarily renamed Zaire. I thought about how brave you were to travel there for work and how much you loved us. I remember you and Mama explaining the current events of those times in those places so calmly. How you both read and discussed the news and also how you taught us how to ask questions to speak truth to power. Why it’s important to care about others.

As I got older I realised how many children never had that - never experienced a parent calmly explaining things to their children and having their parent travel to a faraway place where those things happened for their work. A lot of children didn’t experience living in so many different continents, to meet so many different people and be part of the world in a meaningful way and you gave us that. You gave us such a special life.

I have so many memories I want to share with you so many things I remember and love about you, your goodness, humanity, all your weird quirks that made you so lovable. All our times as a family, all the stories you told, all the things you and Mama did.

I will always look to you for advice. I always have and that will never stop. If I really think about it, I can feel your arms around me, I can remember your arms carrying me out of the car when I was little, sometimes when I was sick or asleep or it was raining, I can feel that little bit of stubble on your cheek prickle my cheek when I give you a kiss. If I think about it, I can still feel all those things. I can hear you telling me right now that it’s going to be alright and that this is part of life.

There are so many things I want to thank you for and so many things I want to share, but I know you already know that’s why you kept all the pictures that we’re going through and wrote all those stories down, because you knew what was important and you loved us every day without fail. So I know you already know and I am going to look to them for inspiration whenever I need them.

Leona talked about her video chats with her Lolo at her daycare all the time apparently. Like you she has an excellent memory, loves to draw, and loves plants, especially flowers. She likes to ask what we’re doing today and likes to have a plan. Sometimes when she observes something she folds her hands behind her back like you. When people see pictures of you they always comment on what features I inherited from you. I know you are always here with us. With Mama, Ate, Kuya and myself. That if we think really hard about it, we can feel you here.

And so even though I could spend hours writing to you, I know I can stop here. You already know. I love you so much and I know you love me. You are a good father and person. You loved my Mama, me and my siblings and your whole family. You cared about other people outside of your family. Ate, Kuya and I will take care of Mama, she will take care of us. I know you’ll be where you need to be.

I love you, Papa. Thanks for being my Papa.