A person who was larger than life

by Le Anh

In so many ways, Papa feels like a person who was larger than life. He defied so many odds and in so doing raised himself out of poverty and helped his family do the same. Although he was a small man, he knew how to fill a space. His work brought him across the world and his openness and curiosity helped him experience it fully. Most of all, he had a vision of what he wanted for himself, and the temerity and singlemindedness to pursue it. He lived a unique life, and thanks to him, so did we.

Although I’ve known my father for 42 years, it’s clear that there are many parts of him that I can never truly know: his childhood in Hue, a place I have not yet even seen, his love for his friends around the world, his writing and his work, and the breadth of the social impact he has had.

But the part of him I do know well, is that of “father” and that is already a lot.

Papa was never really physically affectionate, but he was always emotionally available. Even when he was far away, he made sure to write us often and to communicated openly with us. I will also always remember our happy morning drives when I was in high school. These were moments when I had his exclusive attention. Although I don’t remember the details of our discussions, I do remember that it was a space where I could safely talk to my father about my worries and concerns. When he spoke to us, he used his words carefully, thoughtfully. I feel like Papa had a great respect for the power of words, which is why he never wasted them when talking to me.

As a parent, Papa was strict but fair. By fair, I mean he never asked of us more than what he himself was willing to do. He wanted us to be responsible, respectful, hardworking, and to live life with purpose. And he showed us how to do it through actions, and not just through words. He was a responsible parent: we were always provided for. He was a responsible husband: he did all he could to protect and safeguard Mama. He was a responsible brother: he stood by his family in Vietnam and the Philippines throughout his life. He respected his elders and expected us to do the same. And his work ethic and level of organization was unmatchable. I think this work ethic (and ways of organizing work) is the thing that I inherited from Papa. He once told me to do something that I loved so I would never really work a day in my life. I followed his advice and now every time I work, I feel like I am travelling, exploring, learning, and also creating. It doesn’t really feel like work. This perspective on work, is a gift he gave me.

He was also a modern dad who knew how to hold a baby, how to change diapers, how to cook.

And he could also be a lot of fun. I remember going on the hunt for worms on days he would take us fishing. I remember hunting for mushrooms. I remember him taking us swimming and for ice-cream at the IITA international house. Him cooking, him singing (with two spoons as an instrument to accompany a guitar), him gardening. I remember meeting a crocodile with Papa. I remember trips to Himlayang Pilipino and to Los Banos. I remember the pleasure he would get from simple moments and experiences. He really knew how to taste life. I remember the countless weekends where Papa would make barbeque, drink beer, play chess or sing songs with friends, while we kids scampered around playing with each other and when we were lucky with our very cool cousins Yumi and Manolo.

I feel a little sorry for my husband and Mai’s and happy for Trina, because Papa really set the bar high for relationships. Although he could be demanding, super makulit, and sometimes down right stubborn, what I observed in their relationship was that as a husband, Papa also was constant, loving, protective, loyal, good, and supportive. More than that, he saw Mama as an equal and even as superior in some respects. He loved her simplicity, her intellect, her creativity, and her fighting spirit. And whomever she loved, he also decided to love and support. He also loved her without condition. How could he not, he recognized from the beginning what a treasure Mama was, and he made sure that we knew it by showering her with praise when she wasn’t around. Even when they would fight passionately, Papa was always open to reconciliation. He never let pride get in the way of loving Mama. I see a lot of Papa in Kim and I also look for that in my marriage.

Finally, as the eldest, Papa had great expectation of me which were often hard to meet. His expectations were not in terms of professional or financial success (there he let me have a lot of freedom). No. He expected me to always look out for Le Kim and Le Mai. There are times when I have failed to do that, and for that I am deeply sorry. But as Papa is forgiving and constant, I know that I can brush myself off and try again each day. Papa expected me to set a good example, and again, I fail but keep trying. Papa expected me to be obedient and to support Mama (especially when he was far away for work), again, I keep working on this. As I have grown, Papa now also has a high expectation of me as a mother and a wife. He expects me to dedicate my life to my family, just as he did. Papa I am so sorry I sometimes failed to see the wisdom in your advice and words. Moving forward in life, I will try to fulfill these expectations.

Papa, thank you. You gave me so much. You remain one of the two voices in my head whenever I need light in a dark place. The other voice is the present that you gave me from day one: my Mama. All I can say is thank you. In this time I have left on this planet, I will hold you in my heart and try to always draw on all the lessons you have given me. I will also continue to try to meet your expectations. I know you are now enveloped in love, joining Grandpa, Grandma, Kuya Van, Nanay, Tito Roger, Tito Sangko, Kuya Bubot, Uncle Cu, my Lolo, and countless friends who have also experienced the great Transition. When you can, please watch over us and send us love and light when you can. For my part, I’ll make sure to still seek you out as I move forward in this life.

My children, husband, and in-laws also have some words for you.